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henna feet
Posted on 2016.12.15 at 22:09
I'm broken
In ways you can't see.
Places you can't touch.
I'm less and enough
And too much
Simultaneously.

henna feet
Posted on 2016.12.11 at 21:04
Do you sing?
Stumbling through the words,
Wondering if you heard them correctly?
Not giving a Fuck either way.
Just saying what you say,
Living for a day down the line,
Down the path,
Where warmth and love and trust
Lives
And lasts.
And you're mumbling something to yourself.
Admonishing yourself.
Compromising yourself.
Wishing you had pancakes
And a pillow beneath your head.
Or
Wishing you were dead.
It doesn't take much
To lose everything.
It doesn't take long to stray
And get lost on the way
To somewhere that is actually nowhere.
But I see you.
You aren't invisible.
You aren't disposable.
You matter.
I don't know your name,
But just the same,
You're real.
You're here.
You matter.

henna feet
Posted on 2016.12.11 at 20:57
No one knows
The dark alleys I walk.
No one knows
The seeds I scatter,
The broken glass
I trod upon,
The hopes and dreams
I've given up on.
It doesn't matter, really,
In the scope of things.
I've broken wings,
And my tongue's torn out.
I claw at thing to find
What life's about.
I scream without words.
And am never heard.
The song in my head
Loops again and again.
My own little world
Where I can pretend
All is well.
All is right.
And I'm safe at night.
Though the alley I roam,
My home,
Is strewn with glass
And I'm barefooted.

henna feet
Posted on 2016.12.09 at 23:00
Carved from stone.
Worn smooth by the tears of the world.
Like the rivers run,
So goes the sadness.

You wear the world
On your skin,
Like my palm on your cheek.
Your eyes grow dark
With the truths you seek.
They wind 'round and through,
Spiral beyond you,
And you're left with echoes,
Just shadows on the wall.

Your gaze
Warms my skin.
Your thoughts are kept,
And my palms sweat.
I'm wondering, fearing
The words that might come.
That might separate me from the one
I'm sinking into.

The silence.

The unspoken accusation.
The desecration.
The way you rise
And turn away.
Leaving all you'd say
Unsaid and dead on the ground.

henna feet
Posted on 2016.12.08 at 22:50
Lie there.
Silent as death.
A sleep so deep
You barely draw breath.
Your lashes flutter;
You're far away
Escaping this day,
This useless fucking day.

I want to soothe you,
Tame your ghosts,
Kill your demons
And what you fear most.
I want to drown you
In tranquil bliss.
Be reborn whole
With a gentle kiss.
Find all the words
That will make your soul soar.
Destroy the syllables
Of words you abhor.
I'll tear out the pages
Of the days that caused pain.
I'll strip you down
To be cured by the rain.
Purified.
Healed.
Soul sanctified.

But for now,
Lie there
In sleep so deep,
You cannot think
Of the misery of this day.


henna feet
Posted on 2016.11.17 at 20:55
A slip of the tongue
And I've said too much.
I look away,
But it's too late.
The damage is done.
I've let you see something
I've hidden away.
I've let you see something
And what will you say?

I'm this and I'm nothing
I'm the screams you cannot hear.
I'm the heights you're afraid to fall from.
I'm everything you fear.
And yet you claw at me.
You want me near.
You love me.
You crave me.
You hate me, dear.
I'm everything you detest.
Everything unknown.
Though I terrify you,
You can't be alone.
Can't be without me.
Can't let my words go.
Can't live without me.
Won't let me go home.

henna feet
Posted on 2016.11.17 at 20:46
I hear you singing
In my deepest sleep.
My dreams weave in and out
Of the words you speak.
You are fevered
And I'm set aflame
When you sink beneath my skin
And writhe in my veins.

You dwell upon your shame
While I argue about joy.
You scream about your pain.
And I can feel it.
I'm emptied by the way you need.
I'm gutted by the way you bleed
Your every fear and dis-ease
Fills me.

And I'm panicked
And drowning.
Breathless in the way
You surround me with your suffering.

Love is not enough.
Hate in not enough.
The violence in your soul
Requires more to rise above.
To resurrect you,
I'll have to become you.
To save you
I'll have to cease to exist.

When love and compassion
Can't survive your life,
I'll take guns and knives,
I'll use words and cries.
I'll scream into the storm
Until the black clouds part.
I'll take the sharpest blade
And slice out my heart
So you can have it.
So you can feel it.
So you can feel love.

henna feet
Posted on 2016.11.17 at 20:26
If it ever comes to it,
I'd die for you.
Step off the cliff,
Take the bullet,
See the sword
And fall on to it.
If it came to it,
I'd lie without batting at eye.
My hand on a bible,
And a pinky swear.
I wouldn't care.
I'd lie to keep you safe and free,
To keep you with me.
And if it was such that you had to run,
I'd pack our bag,
Grab my gun.
We'd hit the road
To who knows where.
I wouldn't care
As long as you're there.
I'd steal to feed you
And kill to keep you safe.
I'll drive all night
To some other place.
You're my everything,
The only thing.
And you're mine.

henna feet
Posted on 2016.09.27 at 18:04
Your voice sounds
Like the words I spill.
Sharp edged
And inky black.
Your song blurs
As my palm smudges words.
You're singing and screaming
But remain unheard.
I understand the release you need,
The craving to be rid of the pain.
I understand the chill in your bones,
Like you're naked in the rain.
But nothing comes
At the end of the song.
Nothing changes
When the poetry is done.
No one feels the ache in your soul.
Nothing can fill this deep, black hole.
Words mean fuck all.
Syllables small and frail
Slip loose and disperse.
Your song sounds like it means something else,
Like you felt something worse
But tidied it up for the rest of us.
What a fucking loss.

henna feet
Posted on 2016.09.27 at 17:54
If you like me
You must not know me well.
Or you're as twisted
And fucked up as I am.
I won't judge you for it.
I'm fortunate for it.
No one deserves to be alone
Just because their
Ugliness shows.
Just because they're needy
And greedy for love
That won't come.
Everyone
Needs their own fucked up monkey
To love.


henna feet
Posted on 2016.09.26 at 22:52
Words ignite
And burn to ash.
So hopeless am I
In the task of explaining
My obsession.
The blood in my veins simmers.
My bones ache to be wrapped
'Round limb and sinew.
My skin craves the heat of you.
The depth of you.
The magnitude of you.
My soul is screaming
To return home
To you alone.

henna feet
Posted on 2016.05.02 at 21:22
The light whithers
And the wrath slides
Through my veins.
I am not the one
To stand by and just be.
I'll get my hands muddy
Clawing at the ground,
Digging your grave.
Nothing can save you
Once my eyes go cold,
Once my jaw is set.
Once you've let me down
One too many times.
You lost your way
When you left my good graces
In shards
And it's hard to contemplate
If I'll strike
Or wait for the perfect moment.
For you see,
Though I'm love and light
And all of that good shit,
My inner child
Is a mean little fucker
And she won't just let this go.
So, now you know.

henna feet
Posted on 2016.02.10 at 01:06
They say until you love yourself
No one else will love you.

I say I cannot love myself
Unless you do.

henna feet
Posted on 2015.12.17 at 01:25
If I am me,
You'll hate me.
What kind of love is it
Ithat requires me to be so small?
To stay
I must be silent.
Compliant.
With a sunny disposition.
My emotions are unwelcome.
My intellect is a waste.
You want submission
And someone to sit beside you.
Quietly.
Mindlessly.
You don't love the parts of me
That make me who I am.
I get that.
I don't love me either.

henna feet
Posted on 2015.12.17 at 01:19
I'm the kind
You want at arm's length.
Too much of me
Makes you dizzy,
Makes you queasy.
Makes you think and feel
Like I'm too much
And too little
Simultaneously.
I'm broken in the ways
You find unappealing, disgusting.
And I hear it in your voice.
Your choice of words.
And the silence
That weighs heavy
And scrapes my skin.
Where I end
And you begin
There is a chasm.
You hate bridges
And I'm afraid of heights.


henna feet
Posted on 2015.11.26 at 21:38
Quietly, I coil through ribs,
Wind through vertebrae.
Then sing down the spine,
Like wind in the attic.
I rattle the cage that holds me.
I wrestle the ties that bind.
I've been silent,
But the scream is building.
I'm welding a sword
Of words.
They will come.
And I'll return home.

henna feet
Posted on 2015.04.11 at 20:33
Just so you know, I fucking hate you. We've been friends since we were sixteen and you have written me off because some fucking third party friend offended you and I didn't stand up for you. WHAT?!! She rushed our goodbye so you've washed your hands of me? You're a stupid cunt. If this is the most offensive and hurtful thing that's ever happened to you, I'm glad. I'VE HAD FOUR FRIENDS, FOUR PEOPLE I CARE ABOUT DIE! Gone. Dead. Forever. But, yes, don't speak to me for four or five years because something I DIDNT EVEN KNOW HAPPENED UNTIL THREE YEARS LATER hurt your precious feelings. Fuck you. You're a fucking coward not to just tell me in the very beginning what happened and that your feelings were hurt. You know I hate being discarded so kudos to you for knowing how best to hurt me. Well done, you fucking hag. At least what I did was unintentional. What you've done was intentional. So congrats on being an evil fucking cunt. And the funny thing is you're so fucking empty and soulless that you probably haven't given me a second thought. That's cool. Totally fine. I'd rather have a soul and compassion and a conscience and suffer than be a cold-hearted, dead soul like you. Fuck you. On a daily basis, I'm going to say fuck you until your daughter calls me and says you've died, too.

henna feet
Posted on 2015.01.01 at 21:24
Say my name
The way you used to,
When it was new to your lips,
Unfamiliar on your tongue.
In a sigh late at night
When you think I'm asleep.

henna feet
Posted on 2014.12.31 at 08:26
I want to die,
But just a little.
Just enough to not be me,
To not be weak and needy
And empty.
Just enough to dry the tears
Welling up,
Rolling down my cheeks.
Salty rivers.
I'd rather be hard-hearted
And un-thinking.
To not feel my insignificance
To not notice.
And just go through the day
With an oblivious smile..
Yes.
That would be much better
Than knowing I'm an after thought.
She won't change.
So how do I become numb
To this without becoming numb
To us?

henna feet
Posted on 2014.12.30 at 21:00
I think depression is at its peak when my words stop.

Danger writhes in silence.


henna feet

words fail me.

Posted on 2014.10.08 at 04:23

When it's more than wishes on eyelashes.
When it's less than a breath exhaled
And drawn again.
When thoughts are frail
And disjointed.

And yet, we are annointed
By a full moon
Searing the night.

I am mute
For she is far
And cannot hear me.


henna feet
Posted on 2014.05.18 at 06:14
Tags:

Kathy is moving to Colorado today. I haven't seen her in a long time, but still she was having trouble leaving because of me. Chances are good that I'll never see her again.


henna feet
Posted on 2014.04.06 at 08:48
Tags:

She steals the light
When she leaves.
And the darkness seeps in.
She leaves a hole
Shaped like her
And no one else fits it.
Now just this day to get through.
With no way that feels true.
No warmth.
No words.
Just another day
As a give-away.


henna feet

Before in October and after this march.

Posted on 2014.03.15 at 22:02
Tags:


henna feet

Shrink

Posted on 2014.01.01 at 21:54
Tags:

What are you seeing
When you look at me?
Did you see my eyes grow dark,
See their light go flat
As words you can't take back
Sift and shift between our faces.
You're careless tongue
Has won my steady gaze
As I contemplate the ways
That I'm loathing you.
There's an ugliness in you
That spills from your lips.
And the curve of your hip
Will not define you
When your heart is hideous.



henna feet
Posted on 2013.10.16 at 06:22
Tags:

It's strange how in the small hours the thoughts are stark and troubling. I couldn't sleep. The facts were obvious.

And now, three hours later, having given up on sleep entirely, my thoughts are blurry and gray.

I thought this time was going to help us reconnect. I was the third wheel. The object of her aggravation. I wish she'd come alone to visit her friend.


henna feet
Posted on 2013.10.15 at 19:25
Tags:

I hate feeling lonely when I with her.


henna feet

Mind flow

Posted on 2013.10.05 at 22:31
Tags:

I want to grow a huge artichoke plant. And do some Eco-friendly landscaping in our yard. I want wild sunflowers along the fence and berries on the trellis. I want someone to make all of that happen

And I want to learn to kickbox, and do tai chi.

I want my cats to get along.

I want a new couch, an l-shape. And a roll top desk. I've wanted a roll top desk for 25 years.

I want work shoes that don't squeak.

I want to smell my sweet pug's head one more time. He always smelled like corn tortillas.

I want to erase all signs of cancer from our lives and live with a "I'm growing old with you" mentality.

I wish I was either a famous writer or a famous photographer.

I wish my convictions were strong enough to be a vegetarian. Eating animals seems wrong until I think how much I like a good steak or burger or lobster.


henna feet

A dad

Posted on 2013.10.05 at 08:11
Tags:

I'm so angry. We have the grand kids this weekend and the first thing out of the father's mouth is "shut up." Seriously? First, don't ever tell your kids to shut up. Second you just woke up, so what the fuck!? Why are you already upset with your kids? It's so obvious that you resent having to deal with them. Selfish. I haven't had kids. Didn't want to have kids. And I've been dealing with them since 5 am. And I managed not to hurt their feelings, mediate a fight, and let the household sleep. I love my step son but he's got a lot of room for improvement in the father area. He pays child support and gets them every other weekend, so he beats out some guys. But his actual parenting SUCKS!


henna feet
Posted on 2013.10.02 at 23:50

I totally get that therapy works for some people.  I am not one of them.  I don't have the time or money or patience to invest in someone to listen to my story and validate me.  Yeah.  My parents didn't love me.  Cry me a fucking river.  Yeah, I was passed around as a kid a little.  So sad.  Yes, I have attachment issues.  Yes, I have abandonment issues. I also have a job, a mortgage, a partner with cancer, five adults in my house, six cats and a dog, grandkids every other weekend.  No, I wasn't molested.  No, I'm not an alcoholic or drug addict.  Yes, I've thought about killing myself, but when it comes down to it I think sparing other's my presence is a little too charitable.  If I'm suffering, you must suffer me, too.  The psychologist dredged up ancient history and I was like, ughhhh why are we going here?  Yeah, my inner child is a crazy little fucker, and so am I.  So..... sign the paper and let me get on with this, please. 



henna feet

my return key isn't working

Posted on 2013.10.02 at 23:37
beneath my fingertips.         beneath my broken limbs and the train of thought that runs a second slow.                           words sift and shift and flow.           like water from the sky. water from my palm. i am from time past and from this second. can you hear me?                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                   now     quiet now, a crease of brow as you swallow what you would have said. let in rattle in your head.